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The issue: Gay and spiritual? Spiritual and gay?
I am very glad you're here reading my notes. I am glad because by reading my words it might give you information you've never had before. Have you ever met a gay person? Do you know what it means to be gay? I you haven't, read-on. This is my experience.
There is so much to be said about the issue of being gay. There is so much controversy. In fact the issue is in the news every day. Personally, the way it seems to me right now, today, is that people are becoming more accepting of gays, day by day, thanks to the efforts of many of us who are out, and many who, before us, took lots of chances, by expressing themselves or plainly being out. Obviously, there is still a long way to go.
Many gays and lesbians suffer very isolated lives. The causes of this isolation are many, such us our own beliefs (or misbeliefs) about ourselves, such as "we are no good," or "we don't deserve to be loved." Many times, because of the fear to be the focus of intentional violence (find out about the life -- and death -- of 21 year old Matthew Shepard at Matthew's Place); other times because we are deserted or abandoned, by our own family and friends, due to lack of understanding, knowledge, or mere lack of love towards us. What is also hard to see is how many young people go through so much pain (teen suicide amoung gays is very high). It's worse than anybody can imagine, unless you are gay yourself, or you've been shown hatred or discrimination.
In my case, I've always viewed myself as a spiritual person. I strived to be good, honest, loving, and even though I tried to be all of these things, in many ways it was still very hard to feel "whole" or "complete." I think I felt this way because I was not able to reconcile my sexuality with my spiritual life. I waited to deal with this part of my life for a long -- a very long -- time. It was too painful to deal with, and so I did not want to look or deal with it at all, not until just a few years ago.
This lack of balancing of the two most important aspects of my life resulted, as I discovered later, in a total "lack of self-acceptance." I realized that not until I cleared and merged these issues, that I felt the love of others and God. My conclusikon is that finally came to feel this love because I was open to "receive it."
Most of my life I thought that there was something wrong with me. I did not see myself as a person deserving to be loved, not even after people told me how close they felt to me, or how much love they saw in me. I just did not see it or wanted to believe it. I did not feel worthy of their love, much less worthy of the love of a Guru. I thought that there was no way around the issue: "Not only others don't like me, I don't like myself. Why would God want me?" It took me years of internal work to realize the simple truth that: "I'm O.K., I'm an O.K. person, I love myself, and that I am a lovable and likeable person! And that there is nothing wrong with me"
The importance of loving yourself is that when you do, you open the door for others, especially God and Guru, to love you. I am now so grateful to having gone through this huge hurdle in my life -- to love and accept myself. Looking back at how it all happened, I realize that it occurred in a very conscious way, if I can describe that way. The feeling was of having been just "awakened." I felt an immediate change, first in my own attitude towards myself, and then the love pouring towards me, almost immediately. I felt the love of others, and the love of God, surrounding me, taking care of me. It's remarkable! I beg you to do what you can to get there. Get help, if you can't do it yourself.
It was very important to me to know that Yogananda and God love me. Looking for answers I went searching for what Yogananda have said about unconditional love. I read that he loves you no matter who you are, or what you are. He mentions this in many of his books. It is also mentioned in Daya Mata's writings and some of his other direct disciples' writings. But what really showed me, in a tangible manner, the way to understanding the Guru's unconditional love was a clip in the movie "Glimpses of a Life Divine." In this movie (shown at Convocation every year) Elaine Wright describes the Guru in this way: "You could have been a criminal and he [Master] wouldn't see it, he just wouldn't see it!". After crying many times over this, I thought to myself "I am not a criminal, I can't even kill a bug. I love and I am loved by many. I am a lovable person, I am kind towards others, friends, family. Why wouldn't Master love me? What's wrong with me?"
I discovered that my pain came from my own lack of Self-acceptance, and believe me, of the worse kind! I didn't approve of myself, so how would I think that Master would want anything to do with me!?
The realization that Guru does love me came to me in meditation, after struggling much. I realized that it doesn't matter to whom I was attracted to, men or women, what really mattered was to be able to love and be loved! Honestly, openly, spiritually!
Gay people are not just sexual beings, as portrayed everywhere, on TV, movies, magazines, etc., we are just like everybody else. We are imperfect human beings, who express our feelings in a human way, who laugh, cry, enjoy life, and above all want to love and to be loved! Doesn't everybody?
I came out to many SRF friends who showed me even more love and support. Not one person said a negative or rejecting comment. Before I did come out to them I thought to myself "I wonder how they are going to react?" The truth is that I didn't know what to expect from anyone.
Mrinalini Mata recounted a very moving story, also in "Glimpses..." She was meeting with Master once and he started laughing, and laughing hard, and his laughter was so contagious, "you couldn't help but to start laughing also," -she said. "But then he became sad, very sad, and started crying, and tears would flow down his face. The devotees asked him 'What's wrong Master?'", --She heard him reply "It's such a joke that Divine Mother in playing on you, it's such a joke, but to you it is yet so real! Do not concentrate on the movie, look up to the beam."
So, that is how I make every effort to see my life, "this movie is not real, this role I have is just a test to see if I play it correctly!". Master said the following:
"If you play your part well, you are just as good as the soul who plays the part of a king or a queen. And so long as you play your role well, you will be attractive and loved by all. Your part well-played is your passport to God."
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